Chapter Two

I lay still on my back and watched as tiny lights of sunlight escaped through my bedroom curtains; causing the darkness to disappear and replaced by light. I sat up in my bed, brushed my light brown hair away from my face. I didn't sleep lastnight, I didn't sleep because I was terrified of what I would dream about, the dreams had become more frequent now and more scary. I'd always wake up haunted by own screams, I sighed silently and climbed out of bed, I walked over to the bathroom and closed the behind me. I reached into the bathroom cupboard and took out the razorblade, I sat down slowly on the cold tiled bathroom floor..... I stared at the scars on my arm, some of them were old and fading, most of them were healed but in their place remained a scar, some of them were blooded and slightly swollen and red around the edges. The scar that I made lastnight; still hurt and was swollen with red blood marks around the edges....

I took a deep deep breahe in, leaned my head back as tears fell from my eyes, I slowly took the razor blade and slit it across my arm, I gasped in pain as the pain of the sharp razor blade cutting my wrist open released newly riched blood. I droped the razor blade on the ground and watched as red rich coloured blood poured out of the wound I had punctured on my arm, I cried as I thought of mum and Gemma.
They didn't dsereve to die, It was all my fault If i hadn't been a spolit brat that night then mum wouldn't have gotten side tracked and not watching where she was going, If it wasn't for me crying for my stupid teddy bear then she wouldnt have to turn back and had to take the other side of the road because she didn't want to be in traffic...What hurts most is that everyone else says that It was an accident and I should be happy that I survived it but how can someone ever be happy after loosing their mother and sister in an accident that only they survived? I sobbed quietly to myself as I had a flashback of my last minutes with mum and Gemma...

                                                       *FlashBack*
''I want my daddy'' I screamed with tears rolling down my cheeks. Mum had woken up Gemma and I out of our sleep, telling us that we were going on a vacation...She had threw our clothes in a bag and drove off with us, as I cried for my daddy demanding that we go back get him so that he can come on vacation aswell. Mum just kept on saying that dad wouldn't be joinging us for this vacation. I cried louder and louder screaming at my mother that I wanted my daddy but she ignored me as she drove. Gemma was trying to calm me down and telling me that i'd get to see daddy soon but I just kept on screaming louder and louder for my dad.


I sobbed quietly in the bathroom as tears escaped my eyes and ran down my cheeks widly. My tears caused my visions to go blurry and my eyes burned as the sunglight was shining through my bathroom window, I sat still for a couple of mintues then got up from the bathroom floor, I walked over to the the sink to wash my face when I noticed my reflection, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and boy was I ugly, I had light green eyes and around my eyes were circles and eyebags due to loss of sleep, my eyes were red at the corner and you could just see it in my eyes that I was tired. I was tired, I'm tired of taking everything on alone, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of feeling invisble... I need someone and even though I might not show it, I need someone but I won't be desperate... I want someone to sweep me off my feet, Someone that can make me feel alive again and reassure me that the accident wasn't my fault.

I had a shower and got dressed in black skinny jeans, gray long sleeved top and a black converse. I reached into my closet and pulled out a gray sweatshirt. I dragged my sweatshirt hood over my head and headed downstairs, when I reached downstairs, my dad was in his office (as usual). I didnt bother saying anything to him because I still felt bad about lying to him lastnight about having homework to do when really I just didn't want to do DVD's night with him. As I opened the door and was about go outside, I heard my dad call out from behind me....

''Hey Anna, Wait.''
I turned around and stared at him ''what?'' I asked

''I was thinking that we could go out to dinner later.... There's this new Italian resturants that just opened tonight downtown...what do you say?''

I stared at him as I thought of ways to try and get out of dinner, I bit down on my lip hard as I think of a lie but I couldn't come up with any ''errrrrrmmmm....Okay'' I said as I faked a smile..

''GREAT! i'll book us a table for 8.'' he said then he turned around and went into his office,

I groaned loudly and went outisde, I got into my car and staretd the engine. As I drove to school, I was still thinking of possible ways to get out of dinner, I know that I already said yes but I really didn't want to go and when since has dad started making efforts for us to spend time together. He compeletly shut down after the accident, we've both been shut down for the last two years but ever since he's been going to theraphy or something he seemed to be changing a bit.. He's back at work and he's been talking to me, I guess that's a relief because I always thought that deep down he had blamed me for the accident, I know that it's a stupid thing but for the past two years he couldn't even look me in the eyes, he wouldn't talk to me.. not that I would talk to him either but it was just weird..... I liked the silence between us, the talking now was just weird and freaky.

My dad is David but he likes when people call him Dave, He's a lawyer and also a widow. He hasn't been with another a woman since mum passed away, he hasn't removed his wedding ring or anything. The house is decorated the same and everything, I guess Dave sets a bad example for me because when someone dies you're supposed to mvoe on right? but Dave hasn't been moving on so it's difficult for me to just get up and decide that it was time to move on... Ever since mum and Gemma passed away, Dave and I haven't been communicating alot. For the first three months of their death, we didn't speak to eachother... Family members were flying in and everything but we wouldnt even look eachother in the eyes. I can't even rememebr Dave being happy when I learned how to walk again after the doctors thought I would be paralysed....
I guess Dave and I have alot in common, we both deal with pain the same way well I'm pretty sure that he isn't cutting himself like I am but we both shut down from the people around us when we are hurt. I don't like talking about my feelings and Dave doesn't either...

I don't know if I'm wrong of if i'm right but I think that just like how I blame myself for their deaths so does Dave. I think he blames himself because it's like he's carrying all this guilt and stuff, I still haven't brought myself to ask him the question as to why mum was so angry at him the night of the accident... I guess i'm just a coward of what his answer might be, what if it's something that I really don't want to hear.... so i'll just make up something in my head to fill that gap but I still wonder as to why she was so angry at him, considering that they were so in love with eachother....

I pulled up in the school's parking lot and parked my car and got out. There was no one else in the parking lot, ''Great i'm late'' I thought to myself. As I walked towards the school's building, I couldn't help but notice the spot where Gemma's car was always parked, I started to smile as I remembered how she would give me a lift to school and warn me to not do anything embarassing in school because she has a repuation and I would just roll my eyes and walk off.... It was like I could see her standing there, her beautiful golden blonde hair hanging firecly, she was dressed in her cheerleading outfit... she looked so beautiful that she could pass as an angel. I couldn't help the tears that were beginging to form in my eyes as I stared at her, She laughed and ran her fingers through her hair then added some lip gloss to her lips... ''Typical Gemma'' I thought to myself, I was so filled with excitement that I went towards her to hug her only to find myself hugging Randy's car that was parked in the spot where Gemma was just standing a minute ago...

I looked around frightened with tears in my eyes, I looked around seeing if I could see her again but there was no one else in the parking lot but me. This happens to me alot, I always see them, it's either Gemma or mum and whenever I try making psychial contact they just disappear leaving me all alone.... and I feel the pain all over again like I had just lost them to the accident. I stood still not moving as tears fell from my eyes. The hardest part about not having mum around is that when she alive, I didnt appreciate her, I was always with dad or something... Dave was always the irresponsible parent whereas mum on the other hand is a little bit too strict for my liking, so I always had arguements with her and they're were many times that I told her that I hated her and how I wished she wasn't my mum and now I just wish that I could take that back because I don't even remember ever telling her that I loved her..... I don't remember the last night, I hugged her or anything, we were always arguing... Dave and I got along while Gemma and mum got along.

''Are you okay?'' a voice from behind me asked....

I sniffed, wipred my tears away and mumbled that I was fine. I turned away quickly and walked to the school with my head held low, I didn't care who it was, I just didn't want anyone to see me crying because by them seeing me cry then it just brings all the questions.. The questions that i've been avoiding, thats why I've built these fake smiles because it stops the questions and I'm always quite mean to people like I was with Demetri yesterday because while building the fake smiles I ended up building these walls around myself and it's impossible for me to let anyone in because I get so scared at the fact that one day I might end up loosing someone close to me like I lost mum and Gemma and that's a pain that I never ever want to feel ever again... Everything I touch gets destroyed, Everyone i love gets hurts, it's like I'm not meant to be happy but how can someone like me be happy? when I'm the one thats to be blamed for my mother and sister's death...

I could feel the tears falling from my eyes as I walked through the school corridors and I just knew that I wasn't in the right state for lesson, I couldn't go now... The tears were just falling and were out of my control there was nothing I could do to stop them, this why I don't like crying because once I start crying, its impossible to stop!! I turned around and headed to the girls bathroom, I couldnt be bothered with going to lesson, I stood behind the bathroom door and I protectively wrapped my arms around myself, I sat on the floor and hugged myself, I knew that a hug from myself wouldn't do anything but it's the closet I would ever come to getting hugged... I sat on the floor for abot 5 mintues then I got up and slowly looked in the mirror, I was a mess, my overlapping hood was covering half my face and my eyes were red with running masscara and eyeliner... I turned the cold water on and splashed some water on my face as I took deep breaths in and out trying to calm down...

''You can do this. It's not that hard to go out there and fake a smile. No one cares if you're sad or if you're happy but just fake a smile... it will get you through the day'' I said to myself repeatdley over and over in my head.

The school bell then rang and girls started to come into the girls bathroom, I ignored their glares as I walked out, I dragged my hood down further to try and cover all my face as I walked with my head held low.. As i was walking something suddenly hit me straight in the face, The pain was all over my face and before I knew it I passed out............................

*26 mintues Later*

When I woke up, I was in the medical room. I looked around to see if I could see the nurse or something but there was no one, I got up slowly and grabbed my bag off the chair, there was burning pain coming from my forehead.. I looked in the mirror and I had a concussion...... My forehead was red and it was burning but I didn't want to stay in this place.. I wanted to get out, it just brings memory back of being at the hospital lying on the bed and not remembering how I had ended up there only to find out 5 hours later that I survived a terrible accident that unfortunetly my sister and mother did not survive. When I was out the medical room, the first thing I noticed was Demetri sitting in the waiting area. I stood still for a second not sure what to do then I decided to just walk past and ignore him, maybe he won't talk to me after I was so rude yesterday.

As I walked past him, he got up and stood infront of me, I rolled my eyes but when I rolled my eyes, it made my forehead hurt. I couldn't help but notice his beautiful features as he stood infont of me; his lips were perfectly shaped and were slightly pink, his face was like a sculptured face it was just too perfect.... I moved my eyes along to his cheeks then to his eyes.. as our eyes met, there was nothing else I could do but stare in his eyes.. they were the same colour as mines but only deeper, his eyes were green like leaves on a tree. As i stared in his eyes I could feel my heart beating faster and faster and my palms getting sweaty which means that I was nervous..... His eyes were wild like a cats and I couldn't look away from them, it was like he held me in place... everything was under his control.

I felt trapped in his eyes as I stared at him, we weren't speaking we were just staring at eachother... He was staring at me like he'd seen something beautiful or something and I guess I was staring at him like i'd seen Bradd Pitt or something but who could blame me.... He was hotter than Brad pitt.. I felt dizzy and as my feet went weak and I was about to fall to the ground, he quickly grabbed me in his arms, I could feel his muscles under his shirt touching me... I looked up at him and without thinking I reached up and kissed him..... I was surprised that he didn't push me away from him or something, instead, he kissed me back and more powerful than I thought he would... His lips were soft against mines and they moved slowly over mines, Before I knew it, our lips started moving in the same rythmn, I wanted to stop kissing him so badly I even tried moving away but he kissed me more and more, crushing my body against his and stroking my hair while he kiss me... As I kiss him, all the feelings I felt an hour ago disappeared....

I felt a little bit dizzy as he kissed me because I wasn't getting any oxygen but he just kissed me more and more... I could feel him on my tongue, I could feel him moaning a sexy moan on my tongue that just made my stomach filled with butterfly.. I felt safe and secure in his arms as we both embraced eachother...................

                                               TO BE CONTINUED