Chapter Two

I lay still on my back and watched as tiny lights of sunlight escaped through my bedroom curtains; causing the darkness to disappear and replaced by light. I sat up in my bed, brushed my light brown hair away from my face. I didn't sleep lastnight, I didn't sleep because I was terrified of what I would dream about, the dreams had become more frequent now and more scary. I'd always wake up haunted by own screams, I sighed silently and climbed out of bed, I walked over to the bathroom and closed the behind me. I reached into the bathroom cupboard and took out the razorblade, I sat down slowly on the cold tiled bathroom floor..... I stared at the scars on my arm, some of them were old and fading, most of them were healed but in their place remained a scar, some of them were blooded and slightly swollen and red around the edges. The scar that I made lastnight; still hurt and was swollen with red blood marks around the edges....

I took a deep deep breahe in, leaned my head back as tears fell from my eyes, I slowly took the razor blade and slit it across my arm, I gasped in pain as the pain of the sharp razor blade cutting my wrist open released newly riched blood. I droped the razor blade on the ground and watched as red rich coloured blood poured out of the wound I had punctured on my arm, I cried as I thought of mum and Gemma.
They didn't dsereve to die, It was all my fault If i hadn't been a spolit brat that night then mum wouldn't have gotten side tracked and not watching where she was going, If it wasn't for me crying for my stupid teddy bear then she wouldnt have to turn back and had to take the other side of the road because she didn't want to be in traffic...What hurts most is that everyone else says that It was an accident and I should be happy that I survived it but how can someone ever be happy after loosing their mother and sister in an accident that only they survived? I sobbed quietly to myself as I had a flashback of my last minutes with mum and Gemma...

                                                       *FlashBack*
''I want my daddy'' I screamed with tears rolling down my cheeks. Mum had woken up Gemma and I out of our sleep, telling us that we were going on a vacation...She had threw our clothes in a bag and drove off with us, as I cried for my daddy demanding that we go back get him so that he can come on vacation aswell. Mum just kept on saying that dad wouldn't be joinging us for this vacation. I cried louder and louder screaming at my mother that I wanted my daddy but she ignored me as she drove. Gemma was trying to calm me down and telling me that i'd get to see daddy soon but I just kept on screaming louder and louder for my dad.


I sobbed quietly in the bathroom as tears escaped my eyes and ran down my cheeks widly. My tears caused my visions to go blurry and my eyes burned as the sunglight was shining through my bathroom window, I sat still for a couple of mintues then got up from the bathroom floor, I walked over to the the sink to wash my face when I noticed my reflection, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and boy was I ugly, I had light green eyes and around my eyes were circles and eyebags due to loss of sleep, my eyes were red at the corner and you could just see it in my eyes that I was tired. I was tired, I'm tired of taking everything on alone, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of feeling invisble... I need someone and even though I might not show it, I need someone but I won't be desperate... I want someone to sweep me off my feet, Someone that can make me feel alive again and reassure me that the accident wasn't my fault.

I had a shower and got dressed in black skinny jeans, gray long sleeved top and a black converse. I reached into my closet and pulled out a gray sweatshirt. I dragged my sweatshirt hood over my head and headed downstairs, when I reached downstairs, my dad was in his office (as usual). I didnt bother saying anything to him because I still felt bad about lying to him lastnight about having homework to do when really I just didn't want to do DVD's night with him. As I opened the door and was about go outside, I heard my dad call out from behind me....

''Hey Anna, Wait.''
I turned around and stared at him ''what?'' I asked

''I was thinking that we could go out to dinner later.... There's this new Italian resturants that just opened tonight downtown...what do you say?''

I stared at him as I thought of ways to try and get out of dinner, I bit down on my lip hard as I think of a lie but I couldn't come up with any ''errrrrrmmmm....Okay'' I said as I faked a smile..

''GREAT! i'll book us a table for 8.'' he said then he turned around and went into his office,

I groaned loudly and went outisde, I got into my car and staretd the engine. As I drove to school, I was still thinking of possible ways to get out of dinner, I know that I already said yes but I really didn't want to go and when since has dad started making efforts for us to spend time together. He compeletly shut down after the accident, we've both been shut down for the last two years but ever since he's been going to theraphy or something he seemed to be changing a bit.. He's back at work and he's been talking to me, I guess that's a relief because I always thought that deep down he had blamed me for the accident, I know that it's a stupid thing but for the past two years he couldn't even look me in the eyes, he wouldn't talk to me.. not that I would talk to him either but it was just weird..... I liked the silence between us, the talking now was just weird and freaky.

My dad is David but he likes when people call him Dave, He's a lawyer and also a widow. He hasn't been with another a woman since mum passed away, he hasn't removed his wedding ring or anything. The house is decorated the same and everything, I guess Dave sets a bad example for me because when someone dies you're supposed to mvoe on right? but Dave hasn't been moving on so it's difficult for me to just get up and decide that it was time to move on... Ever since mum and Gemma passed away, Dave and I haven't been communicating alot. For the first three months of their death, we didn't speak to eachother... Family members were flying in and everything but we wouldnt even look eachother in the eyes. I can't even rememebr Dave being happy when I learned how to walk again after the doctors thought I would be paralysed....
I guess Dave and I have alot in common, we both deal with pain the same way well I'm pretty sure that he isn't cutting himself like I am but we both shut down from the people around us when we are hurt. I don't like talking about my feelings and Dave doesn't either...

I don't know if I'm wrong of if i'm right but I think that just like how I blame myself for their deaths so does Dave. I think he blames himself because it's like he's carrying all this guilt and stuff, I still haven't brought myself to ask him the question as to why mum was so angry at him the night of the accident... I guess i'm just a coward of what his answer might be, what if it's something that I really don't want to hear.... so i'll just make up something in my head to fill that gap but I still wonder as to why she was so angry at him, considering that they were so in love with eachother....

I pulled up in the school's parking lot and parked my car and got out. There was no one else in the parking lot, ''Great i'm late'' I thought to myself. As I walked towards the school's building, I couldn't help but notice the spot where Gemma's car was always parked, I started to smile as I remembered how she would give me a lift to school and warn me to not do anything embarassing in school because she has a repuation and I would just roll my eyes and walk off.... It was like I could see her standing there, her beautiful golden blonde hair hanging firecly, she was dressed in her cheerleading outfit... she looked so beautiful that she could pass as an angel. I couldn't help the tears that were beginging to form in my eyes as I stared at her, She laughed and ran her fingers through her hair then added some lip gloss to her lips... ''Typical Gemma'' I thought to myself, I was so filled with excitement that I went towards her to hug her only to find myself hugging Randy's car that was parked in the spot where Gemma was just standing a minute ago...

I looked around frightened with tears in my eyes, I looked around seeing if I could see her again but there was no one else in the parking lot but me. This happens to me alot, I always see them, it's either Gemma or mum and whenever I try making psychial contact they just disappear leaving me all alone.... and I feel the pain all over again like I had just lost them to the accident. I stood still not moving as tears fell from my eyes. The hardest part about not having mum around is that when she alive, I didnt appreciate her, I was always with dad or something... Dave was always the irresponsible parent whereas mum on the other hand is a little bit too strict for my liking, so I always had arguements with her and they're were many times that I told her that I hated her and how I wished she wasn't my mum and now I just wish that I could take that back because I don't even remember ever telling her that I loved her..... I don't remember the last night, I hugged her or anything, we were always arguing... Dave and I got along while Gemma and mum got along.

''Are you okay?'' a voice from behind me asked....

I sniffed, wipred my tears away and mumbled that I was fine. I turned away quickly and walked to the school with my head held low, I didn't care who it was, I just didn't want anyone to see me crying because by them seeing me cry then it just brings all the questions.. The questions that i've been avoiding, thats why I've built these fake smiles because it stops the questions and I'm always quite mean to people like I was with Demetri yesterday because while building the fake smiles I ended up building these walls around myself and it's impossible for me to let anyone in because I get so scared at the fact that one day I might end up loosing someone close to me like I lost mum and Gemma and that's a pain that I never ever want to feel ever again... Everything I touch gets destroyed, Everyone i love gets hurts, it's like I'm not meant to be happy but how can someone like me be happy? when I'm the one thats to be blamed for my mother and sister's death...

I could feel the tears falling from my eyes as I walked through the school corridors and I just knew that I wasn't in the right state for lesson, I couldn't go now... The tears were just falling and were out of my control there was nothing I could do to stop them, this why I don't like crying because once I start crying, its impossible to stop!! I turned around and headed to the girls bathroom, I couldnt be bothered with going to lesson, I stood behind the bathroom door and I protectively wrapped my arms around myself, I sat on the floor and hugged myself, I knew that a hug from myself wouldn't do anything but it's the closet I would ever come to getting hugged... I sat on the floor for abot 5 mintues then I got up and slowly looked in the mirror, I was a mess, my overlapping hood was covering half my face and my eyes were red with running masscara and eyeliner... I turned the cold water on and splashed some water on my face as I took deep breaths in and out trying to calm down...

''You can do this. It's not that hard to go out there and fake a smile. No one cares if you're sad or if you're happy but just fake a smile... it will get you through the day'' I said to myself repeatdley over and over in my head.

The school bell then rang and girls started to come into the girls bathroom, I ignored their glares as I walked out, I dragged my hood down further to try and cover all my face as I walked with my head held low.. As i was walking something suddenly hit me straight in the face, The pain was all over my face and before I knew it I passed out............................

*26 mintues Later*

When I woke up, I was in the medical room. I looked around to see if I could see the nurse or something but there was no one, I got up slowly and grabbed my bag off the chair, there was burning pain coming from my forehead.. I looked in the mirror and I had a concussion...... My forehead was red and it was burning but I didn't want to stay in this place.. I wanted to get out, it just brings memory back of being at the hospital lying on the bed and not remembering how I had ended up there only to find out 5 hours later that I survived a terrible accident that unfortunetly my sister and mother did not survive. When I was out the medical room, the first thing I noticed was Demetri sitting in the waiting area. I stood still for a second not sure what to do then I decided to just walk past and ignore him, maybe he won't talk to me after I was so rude yesterday.

As I walked past him, he got up and stood infront of me, I rolled my eyes but when I rolled my eyes, it made my forehead hurt. I couldn't help but notice his beautiful features as he stood infont of me; his lips were perfectly shaped and were slightly pink, his face was like a sculptured face it was just too perfect.... I moved my eyes along to his cheeks then to his eyes.. as our eyes met, there was nothing else I could do but stare in his eyes.. they were the same colour as mines but only deeper, his eyes were green like leaves on a tree. As i stared in his eyes I could feel my heart beating faster and faster and my palms getting sweaty which means that I was nervous..... His eyes were wild like a cats and I couldn't look away from them, it was like he held me in place... everything was under his control.

I felt trapped in his eyes as I stared at him, we weren't speaking we were just staring at eachother... He was staring at me like he'd seen something beautiful or something and I guess I was staring at him like i'd seen Bradd Pitt or something but who could blame me.... He was hotter than Brad pitt.. I felt dizzy and as my feet went weak and I was about to fall to the ground, he quickly grabbed me in his arms, I could feel his muscles under his shirt touching me... I looked up at him and without thinking I reached up and kissed him..... I was surprised that he didn't push me away from him or something, instead, he kissed me back and more powerful than I thought he would... His lips were soft against mines and they moved slowly over mines, Before I knew it, our lips started moving in the same rythmn, I wanted to stop kissing him so badly I even tried moving away but he kissed me more and more, crushing my body against his and stroking my hair while he kiss me... As I kiss him, all the feelings I felt an hour ago disappeared....

I felt a little bit dizzy as he kissed me because I wasn't getting any oxygen but he just kissed me more and more... I could feel him on my tongue, I could feel him moaning a sexy moan on my tongue that just made my stomach filled with butterfly.. I felt safe and secure in his arms as we both embraced eachother...................

                                               TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter One

I remember the pain I felt that night; I felt numbed as i layed on my back in an ambulance....I was being rushed to the hospital after the accident, I remember opening my eyes and seeing paramedics around me....checking my pulse, shining a light in my eyes and asking me whether I could hear them or not. But I couldn't hear them, but I could read the words that were coming from their lips.
Millions of questions were dancing around in my throbbing head and all I could think about was what happened? I tried to move but a stinging pain coming from my back pulled me back down, I tried to speak and i found myself choking on my own blood........Is someone supposed to remember all this? Something that happened two years ago?


''Hey are you okay?'' Katy asked as she pressed her warm clammy hands against mines.

I moved my arm away uncomfortably and faked a smile to reassure her that I was fine, When really I wasn't fine. I'm tearing apart inside and it surprises me that it doesn't show on the outside but then again maybe it does show and no one just never ask whats wrong. The accident that happened two years ago haunt me like it was just yesterday.
I pushed the painful memories to the back of my head and tried to focus on what was happening around me, I was at school with my friend Katy, and her friends Charli and Zoey. It's lunchtime and I can't even remember getting out of bed to come to school... I guess i've been living in the past so much lately but it's hard to not live in the past when nothing in the present makes sense anyways... And it was kinda hard to not focus on the past when in two weeks time it will make 3 years since they've passed away.... No one even talks about them anymore, they all seem to have forgotten or something... It's harder for me to forget it when I survived it. I took a deep breath in and pushed the painful memories back where they belonged, No one needed to know how I feel, No one needed to know about me crying myself to sleep and anyways even if they knew what would they do? because no matter what they say or do it will never bring then back.

''No, She's always on another planet. She really is'' Zoey said, then katy and Charli laughed along as they played with the cheesy pasta that they have ordered from the cafeteria.

''Who's always on another planet?'' I asked, trying to be involved in the conversation.

''YOU!'' Zoey shouted

''What? no i'm not!''

''Okay so tell us what happened in music today?''

''Errrr.... We talked about....Music''

''My point has been proved. You really need to stop day dreaming'' She said

I didnt say anything to her, I just ignored what she was saying even though I was very aware that she was right. I do need to stop day dreaming, I need to stop living in the past so much, it's time to move on like Damien did... He lost his mother to drug addiction and he seems to have gotten over it so why can't i get over the accident... Why does it haunt me everyday? everywhere I look there's always a reminder of them, There's always something.. it's like i'm not meant to move on from it......

I looked around the cafeteria and I noticed a pale faced boy with deep green eyes sitting two tables away from our table. He was sitting beside Josh, Ashley and Tami.. infront of him was a plate of untouched food, he was just staring at me, he wasn't blinking or anything he was just staring... I looked at him and rolled my eyes then turned around but I was tempted to turn around and look to see if he was staring at me... I peeped through my hood to see if he was still looking at me and he was. I dragged my hood down to hide my face and tried to focus on the conversation that was happening.
I turned a little bit to the right to look at the boy to see if he was staring back at me and he was, I turned around then dragged Zoey by the arm.

''What?'' she asked annoyingly

''Who is that?'' I asked

She looked at me confused as she looked around to who I was talking about. ''Who? I can't see anyone....''

''The boy that Tami is talking to''

She turned around to see who it was, I grabbed her by the arm and yanked her around ''DON'T LOOK!!'' I said,

''Well how am I supposed to know who it is then'' she said with annoyance.
She turned around to see who it was and when she saw who it was, she suddenly started eye flirting and waving at him in a flirtacious way.

I rolled my eyes with annoyance and cleared my thorat but she still didn't stop flirting, it was getting on my nerves now. I leaned over and whispered in her ears ''Tell me when you're done flirting with him''

She turned around and looked at me apologetically ''That was not flirting. That was.....ermmm...Communication''

''Communication?'' I said as I raised my eyebrow and stare at her.

''Whatever''

''Well who is he then? because he's staring at me and it's starting to freak me out''

''He's the new student'' she said then she turned around to join the conversation with Katy and Charli. She seemed annoyed by all the questions I was asking so I just allowed it to drop....

The rest of lunch time went on, Katy, Charli and Zoey carried on with their conversation and I stayed sitting there like the outsider just dwelling on the past, being tied up in my own thoughts. Thoughts I wish that I could just forget and move on... The bell then rang for period 5, I grabbed my bag and headed for lesson, I was actually looking forward to period 5 which was art. It's my only way in expressing how I feel, by doing art it explains just how I feel. When I reached to my lesson, the guy from the cafetria was there, I walked over to my normal seat and sat down. Mr Lawerence was already there and explaning what our task today was, I put my bag down and started to draw a picture.... I coloured everything black then I started to draw a girl with her hair down her face, covering her face, covering the tears that she was crying and she was sitting there alone in the dark and was surrounded by darkness and it was exactly how I feel....

I feel trapped, I feel like there's no way out... No way to escape all this pain, There's nothing left of me, I don't even feel alive....
''That's a nice picture'' a voice from behind me said....
I jumped gasped, then turned around to see who it was, It was that boy from the cafetria, ''I get the feeling that she's sad. Correct me if i'm wrong, she feels trapped, she feels like nob----'' Before he could contiune, I turned around annoyingly and said ''Don't you have something better to do?'' it came out ruder than I hoped but I didn't regret it.

''I'm already finished with my work'' He said with a charming smile.

''Yeah well can you just go annoy someone else, I'm trying to focus on my work''

''Annoy, I don't think that I'm annoying you'' he said, then he took a seat beside me and was just staring at me. I bit down on my lip hard and turned to look at Mr Lawerence but he had his earphones in and was busy doing god knows what. I continued to work on my painting; ignoring him but I just couldnt because as I worked, i could feel his eyes on me. I put the crayons down and just sat down with my arms crossed... The girls in the classroom kept turning around to look at us and some were biting their lips and flirting with him.

''I'm Demetri, and you are?''

Instead of replying, I reahced into the side of my bag and pulled out my iPod touch, I stuck the earphones in and blasted some music to block out Demetri. I wasn't interesting in knowing him, I wasn't interesting in being his friend... I wasn't interested in anything at all.. I just wanted to left alone. Eventually he got up and went back to his table and I carried on with my work until the end of the lesson, As soon as the bell rang for time to go home... Demetri dragged up his bag quickly and left, I dragged my bag and followed behind the other students, as I existed the schools buliding and as I was walking towards my car, I noticed Demetri standing by my car. I walked over towards him then stopped when I was close to him I stopped and folded my arms acrossed my chest, ''What?'' I asked.

''Well, I wanted to apologise about disturbing you earlier''

''Whatever, it wasn't that big of a deal'' I said

''You're unbelievable'' he said with a laugh...

''What?'' i asked, confused.

''Nothing'' He said with a laugh then he turned around and walk off.

I stood still for a couple of seconds then I opened my car door and got in. I started the engine and drove off, When I reahced home, I opened the front door and walked up towards the stairs, I heard the door of my father's office opened... ''How was school'' he asked.

I turned around; looking down at my feet as I replied  ''It was fine''
I turned around to headed back up the stairs when my dad said something again... ''Hey I rented some dvd's i got that movie... The Last Song, that one you wanted to watch. I was thinking that we could order some pizza and watch some DVD's like we used to''

''I wish I could but I'm behind on some homework and I need to get them done tonight, Sorry'' I lied....

''Oh well. I'll leave some pizza for you'' He said.

''Okay'' I said then I turned around and headed up the stairs, it's not like I didn't want to spend time with my dad but it was just too difficult for me, we both live in the same house and everything but we hardly ever speak to eachother.... It's like we're two complete strangers. When I reached inside my room, I closed my door behind me and threw my sutff on the floor, I jumped on my bed and buried my face in my pillow and I just cried..... It was all that I could do anyways, there was nothing else for me to do....
I miss Mum, I miss Gemma... They didn't deserve to die, they died because of me, if I wasn't being a spoilt self centered bitch that night then they wouldn't have died.... Maybe if I was just being obedient and listen to mum then she wouldnt have gotten distracted....... I just wish that I could go back in time and change it all, Change every moment of it and if the accident was meant to happen then i'd trade my life for their's..... I have no reason living anyways.. Mum had a reason, she had to live because dad needed her and Gemma she had to live to succeded her dream of being a model but both their lives ended that night because of me..... If only I could change it.....